Bedtime Chess

7:42 p.m. and the high-pitched wail resounds from the gate at the door of the bedroom. Tonight. Every night. My strong-willed, bedtime-loathing munchkin fighting the inevitable for the fifty-somethingth night in a row. What do they say about insanity, again? Repeating the same action and expecting different results? But insanity means nothing to that beautiful, chubby-cheeked little toddler who will not let even one lock of her bright blonde hair touch that pillow. I stand like a statue in the kitchen, fist clutching the broom, contemplating my next move against the Grandmaster of bedtime. Check...

Exasperated, I close my eyes and think about my Heavenly Father, and the times I fight against his plan. When I too fail to consider that His Ways are higher than my ways. When I scream for His Attention, begging Him to change His plans for my next minute, day, year, life... How does He respond to my wails against His Will?

He doesn't open the gate, "Have it your way!"
He isn't apathetic. He doesn't allow me to have the last word. He doesn't enable me, or console me when I stray from His plan. He doesn't let me think, for even one second, that I am in control.

He doesn't storm down the hallway, "If I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times!"
He isn't quick to wrath. He doesn't stretch out His hand to put me in my place. He doesn't take revenge, and He doesn't make me feel guilt over my actions. Even though I deserve it.

No.

He stops what He is doing and pursues me down the hallway. Wipes away my tears and wraps His arms around me. Guides me back toward the place where I'm meant to rest my head at that moment, and softly but unmistakably sings all the while, "no one will, ever love you, like...I...do..."

So I leave the broom on the floor, take a deep breath and begin to walk towards her...

Stranger to Anger

I am SO not accustomed to experiencing anger.

Usually, when I'm going through an icky situation I feel hurt, sad, depressed, or annoyed.

OR, all of the above. 

I'll sulk, cry, whine, cry, go back to bed, and cry. 

Did I mention I cry a lot?! 

Anyway, this weekend I found myself in one of these "icky situations" - nothing catastrophic happened, but definitely something that I was justifiably bothered by... and all of a sudden this strange emotion hit me... 

For the first time in I don't know HOW long, my first reaction wasn't to cry. 

It wasn't to snuggle up in a ball at the bottom of my closet... 

...hey, don't knock it 'til you've tried it. 

I was calm for a second or two, and then I felt a strange sick feeling bubble up from my stomach all the way to my brain... and I yelled. And cursed, and yelled some more, and said a bunch of things that I don't even remember because I was just so...Angry! 

The worst part about it is that this feeling hasn't gone away yet. Sure, it's quelled some from when I first felt that minor explosion, and I'm not completely clouded by it like I was those first few hours. I forget about it for a little while. Then I see/hear something that reminds me of it, and I feel that bubbling feeling starting again and UGH! There that pesky anger is again. 

Well apparently, God doesn't like anger either. 

No, really! He doesn't! Even if it's justified! Look:

Colossians 3:8-10

"⁸ But now you yourselves are to put off all these: anger, wrath, malice, blasphemy, filthy language out of your mouth. ⁹ Do not lie to one another, since you have put off the old man with his deeds, ¹⁰ and have put on the new man who is renewed in knowledge according to the image of Him who created him."

He couldn't be any more clear, could He?

...So basically, I was supposed to just endure this situation, one that I didn't cause, I was not to blame for, and I had no responsibility for... and NOT flip out?

Yup. Exactly.

That's a tough pill to swallow. Instead of my anger being "justified" like I thought maybe it was, I see now that I fought someone else's sin with a sin of my own. I had/have an opportunity to exemplify God's influence in my life, and I let it slip through my fingers.

Heavenly Father, please take away this anger that the I let Satan instill in me. Help me to get through these types of situations in a way that glorifies you. Use me through my conduct and self-control as an example to others, Lord, so that they may see You and Your ways in my reactions. Forgive me for letting this anger pulse through me for a few days, hours, minutes or even seconds too long. Help me to address the roots of the problem rather than letting that anger bubble up in my body, Lord. Thank you for guiding me through Your Word. Amen.